Facebook is my genogram.

When I work with my counseling clients, I often use one of these:

Its called a genogram, and its a technique that comes out of family therapy. A genogram is like a multi-layered family tree of your client. It contains information about things like relationships among family members, occupations, significant births and deaths, substance abuse problems, marriages and divorces, and anything else that might be of interest in the therapy process.

The real beauty of the genogram is that it shows multi-generational patterns. I have never done one with a client and not had them have some kind of "aha!" moment. For example, I once had a client who could not understand why she had chosen a dishonest man with a substance abuse problem as a husband, particularly because she was honest, hard-working, and successful. We did a genogram and I saw that every adult woman in her family, going back several generations, was a hard-worker who supported a husband with an addiction, a major financial problem, or (most of the time) both. I pointed out that, growing up in her family, she had been taught that women work hard and take care of things, and that men always let women down in the end. She was stunned. She had never noticed this about her family before, but once it was laid out on paper right in front of her, she couldn't help but see it.

Just last night, my friend and fellow counselor Corrinne and I had dinner. We talked about these moments, which are some of the best ones in doing counseling, where you help a client see something about themselves that they have never noticed before. We talked extensively about genograms. Then, this afternoon, Facebook became my genogram.

After recovering from my morning run (which involved a nap and some brunch), I logged on to Facebook and started scrolling down my newsfeed. Toward the bottom, I saw something remarkable: A former boyfriend from all the way back in high school had posted a link to a YouTube video made by a guy I dated briefly a little over 3 years ago. These guys don't know each other. They live on opposite sides of the country. Neither of them has talked to me in a very long time. Guy #1 just happened to come across Guy #2's video, thought it was funny (it is), and posted it.

At first, I just laughed this off, thinking that its just another example of the world getting smaller. Then, I thought about it a bit more, and realized that it actually makes perfect sense. #1 and #2 have very similar interests and very similar senses of humor. If they met, they would probably like each other. Naturally, this got me thinking a little more. I recognize some patterns in the people I date, but I also think that what I'm looking for has changed over the years, as I mature and learn more about what works for me. What if I'm wrong, though? I always think about the first guy in this story (we'll call him A) as very different from anyone else I've dated since, but now I'm not so sure about that. Let's compare him to a few other significant love interests from my past, in chronologial order:

A:
-Loves classical music. Has degrees in music and has played music at least semi-professionally.
-Loves hockey.
-Enjoys role-playing games (both the video game kind and the D&D kind).
-Is very interested in Eastern Europe, and has travelled there.
-Has a silly sense of humor.
-Is (or at least was) a former committed Christian turned atheist.
-Is very smart.

B:
-Is a pastor's kid, raised in a committed Christian home, but now questions those beliefs.
-Enjoys role-playing games (the video game kind).
-Is very funny, but not really in a silly way.
-Is very smart.

C:
-Made movies about hockey.
-Enjoys puns and other silly humor.
-Enoys role-playing games (the video game kind).
-Is a former committed Christian turned atheist.
-Last I checked, was dating a Russian woman and travelling in Eastern Europe.
-Is very smart.

D:
-Loves classical music. Has a degree in music and teaches music. Has performed semi-professionally.
-Has a silly sense of humor.
-Is divorced from a Russian woman, has dated another Russian woman, and has travelled in Russia.
-Is a pastor's kid who grew up a committed Christian (but, this time, is still Christian).
-Is very smart.

E:
-Enjoys role-playing games (the D&D kind).
-Is funny, and sometimes in a silly way.
-Grew up in a Christian home (though not very committed) and is now a Buddhist.
-Is very smart.

So there you have it. Clearly, I have some patterns I hadn't noticed before. If I were including all the people I've ever dated here, as well as people I've just had major crushes on, I would have two more classical musicians, another person who ultimately married someone Russian, at least one more former committed Christian, and several more silly and smart people. Dang.

Obviously, some of these shared qualities are great and make perfect sense for me: Smart? Wonderful! Funny? Great! Musician? I like the arts too! Other qualities are just kind of strange: Why are they all obsessed with Eastern Europe? Did they like me because I have pale skin and blonde hair? And, some of these qualities are not so great for me: Why do I keep picking people with major baggage about the church?

So, I guess I have some things to think about. Can I forward my therapy bills to Facebook?