Ambition is your enemy: ADHD and Christmas



FYI- This photo is the first thing that comes up if you do a Google image search for "stressed out Santa."

 My friend Kate Milford, author of one of the best books of 2010 (are you listening, awards people?) also happens to write a very entertaining blog at her website, The Clockwork Foundry. Today, she posted about having trouble getting things done at Christmas and I read with many chuckles of recognition. Kate and I  recently reconnected via Facebook and learned that we both take medicine for ADHD. I've been on mine since 2003; Kate only started this year. Its been great talking to her about it because- while I'm sure we exist in large numbers- I've only met a few other smart, creative, accomplished women who also have this problem.

If you have ADHD, Christmas is a total minefield. Its the perfect meeting place for two of the hallmarks of ADHD: wild ambition and extremely poor follow-through. As the season approaches, all of the thoughts bouncing around in my head turn to cards I should send, cookies I should bake, elaborate gifts I should make by hand, parties I should host, etc.. My imagination and ambition go crazy. Then comes the poor follow-through: I don't even start these projects until December 15th, when there's no way I could possibly finish even one or two in time, then I get depressed about it and wind up just sitting around the house re-reading the entire Harry Potter series for the 23rd time. In the end, I buy half-assed gifts at the mall on Christmas Eve for immediate family only and feel bad about myself.

At least that's how is used to be. I'm happy to report that, 7 years into ADHD treatment, I have learned a few things which make Christmas (and life in general) more manageable. I can pretty much distill what I have learned into two main principles:

1. Ambition is your enemy. If you have ADHD, you must reserve your wild ambition for only the most vitally important areas of your life: vocation and relationships. Everywhere else, ambition must be managed. At all costs, you must not take on more than you can actually accomplish.

2. Work with your brain, not against it. The ADHD brain vacillates between two states of being: totally unfocused and all over the place, and hyper-focused on one thing to the exclusion of everything else. There is no changing this, but you can learn to use it to your advantage. During the unfocused times, you can multi-task. During the tunnel-vision times, you can bang out big projects.

Here's how this works for me in several areas of Christmas preparation:

Presents (general): I used to just buy presents hap-hazardly whenever I saw something that seemed to suit someone and then inventory them around December 23rd. This always ended the same way: I would realize that I had spent a ton of money on random gifts for fairly peripheral people in my life and that I had nothing at all for, say, my Mom. Commence crazy Christmas Eve shopping with the credit card. A couple years ago, I cut the list to just my parents, my siblings, my nieces and nephews, and my significant other (if applicable). So much more manageable! Then, I took the additional steps of making a list and buying as much as possible online. This year, I was done before Thanksgiving.

Presents (handmade): This is always an awful temptation for me. I like to make things, so I'll get it in my head that I'm going to handmake everyone's gift. When I have tried this, it has almost always resulted in the Christmas Eve mad shopping dash described above. So, I have learned to limit the number of handmade gifts (I did about 5 last year; I'm doing 2 this year). Also, I only make things that I have successfully made before. So, no attempts to jump from the beginner section of the sewing book to the advanced section on Dec. 20th.

Cards: I also limit quantity here and I don't even entertain the thought of making them. This year, I bought cards but never got around to writing or sending them, so I'm dropping the whole idea and moving on. This is tough to do, but totally necessary if I want to finish everything else. (That could be another principle: Only move forward. No going back!)

Baking: This is what I do for everyone who doesn't get a present. As with the handmade gifts, I keep it simple: a limited number of recipes I know really well. That way, I can come home from work and churn out a batch of cookies without even thinking about it. Sometimes, I wish that I made fancy assortments of cookies like some of my friends, but realistically, I would never get that done. If I tried to make 5 kinds of cookies, I would finish 0.

Decorating: This is a place where I take advantage of the tunnel-vision. I find a day where I can tell my brain wants to hyper-focus and do it all on that day. Once started, decorating must be completed on the same day. No exceptions, or I'll have boxes of ornaments sitting half-opened in the living room in January (it has happened).

Timing: Everything is started early (October or November) and I do my best to work with my brain. So, if I'm feeling unfocused, that's a good day to make cookies while writing cards and mailing packages. If I'm feeling super-focused, that's a day to make the handmade gifts. If I start soon enough, there will be enough of each kind of day to get everything done. 

So, that's my advice. I hope its helpful to those of you who also have ADHD, as well as you "normal" people. No matter what, you have to cut yourself some slack because its not always going to work. Case in point: Earlier today, I got a little overwheled by all of the things on my to-do list. The next thing I knew, I woke up on the couch after an unplanned 2-hour nap, staring down the remains of a lunch of Chinese food and champagne. Then, I turned on the computer, saw Kate's post, and knew I wasn't alone. Merry Christmas!